Dealing with Conflict: Friends

Dealing with Conflict: Friends

Last week, we opened our three-part series on dealing with conflict by focusing on how to handle frustrations within our families. This week, we shift our attention to handling conflict with our friends. Though the broad principles still apply—such as addressing issues directly, being willing to forgive, and approaching others with humility—friendships differ from familial relationships in key ways. For one, our ties to our family do not change over time. No matter what, we will always be related to our mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. But friendships do not carry that same obligation. 

We become friends with people because we relate to them, share common interests, or just get along well, but that connection is not necessarily permanent. In fact, most friendships are seasonal. When we move to a new city, start a new job, or enter a different stage of life, we often drift away from friends (or they drift away from us), and as unfortunate as that tendency may be, it is natural. So, when we find friends who stick with us no matter the season, who “stay closer than a brother” and “love at all times”  (see Proverbs 18:24; 17:17), we should recognize those connections as rare gifts. Our close friendships need to be maintained, and sometimes, that means working through disagreements and conflicts. 

So, let’s turn to a couple of examples from the Bible. During His time on earth, Jesus commanded His disciples to love one another as He had loved them. He then went on to say, “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). By becoming a man, Jesus set aside His life as King to take on the life of a servant. Though He was (and still is) all-powerful, He chose to be mistreated, persecuted, and even killed. And all for the sake of who? As Jesus said, His friends. 

It is not pleasant to have weighty conversations with our friends, but at times it is necessary—and if we truly seek the best for our friends, we will endure the discomfort for their sake.

Jesus clarified that the disciples were His friends for three reasons: 1) they did what He commanded, 2) they were included in His plans, and 3) they had been chosen by Him. Jesus did not boss the disciples around; instead, He “made known to them everything [He] had heard from [the] Father” (see John 15:15). Jesus cared how His friends conducted themselves, and He shared deeply personal matters with them. He invited them to be part of His life, and He was a central part of theirs. Jesus did not do all of this out of obligation but chose the disciples and willingly called them His friends. 

Our human friendships carry a slightly different dynamic because, well, neither party is God—but we can (and probably should) display many of the same characteristics Jesus did. Like Him, we can encourage our friends to live good lives and treat others well. We can make plans with them and genuinely share. And if (or when) issues or conflict arise, we can continue choosing to keep that person as a friend.

Most of us will never be called on to sacrifice our lives for our friends, but friendship often requires us to sacrifice much smaller things, like time, money, or preferences. When we face conflict, we should approach it with humility (much like we discussed last week). If we need to confront an issue, we must speak the truth in love. As Proverbs 27:5–6 reminds us, “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy” and “Better [is] an open reprimand than concealed love.” It is not pleasant to have weighty conversations with our friends, but at times it is necessary—and if we truly seek the best for our friends, we will endure the discomfort for their sake. When we work through conflict, it is helpful to remember the goal is not to win an argument but, as Thomas Aquinas phrases it, to “will the good of another.” 

However, on occasion, we might reach an impasse in our friendships. Even if neither friend is in the wrong, sometimes we simply will not agree. That is precisely what happened at the beginning of Paul’s second missionary journey. Paul planned to travel with Barnabas, and Barnabas wanted Mark to come too. Mark had previously deserted the duo, so Paul did not want him to tag along, but Barnabus wanted to give him a second chance. Paul and Barnabas had “such a sharp disagreement that they parted company” (see Acts 15:39). After the split, both men continued to share the gospel—and many years later, they eventually reconciled (see 1 Corinthians 9:6). 

The story of Paul and Barnabas demonstrates that sometimes distance may be the best option. Whether it is due to conflicting values, communication issues, clashing personalities, or other reasons, we cannot always reach agreements with our friends. If we have earnestly tried to work through a conflict but continue to disagree, it might be best to pursue peace by giving the friendship space. When our role must shift from close friend to distant cheerleader, it can be immensely difficult. But we can hold on to the hope that reconciliation will one day occur, as it did for Paul and Barnabas. 

Even if that reconciliation never happens, we still serve a God who provides for our needs. As we strive to be peacemakers, He will give us peace. As we work through conflict, He will give us wisdom and strength. Just as He chose all of the disciples, Jesus chooses us—and if we follow Him, He calls us His friend. 

Thanks for joining us! If you are working through a difficult situation and want support, please reach out. We would love to pray with you or direct you to additional resources. Visit our website, experiencecc.com.